Day 28

So i skipped yesterday but timing wise was not good. I really do believe that there was reason for this whole thing. Gaining perspective on the situation. I think that what you do(actions) and what you say(words) are different. Through words I can say i am going to go on a yoga everyday and no drinking New Years resolution for a month two months before I started. Everyone will say that's great and support you or ask why call you crazy. When you do it they will say things like, "we'll i've started going to the gym again, and yoga..that's supposed to be good for you, or why aren't you drinking? I just don't get it, it's like a cleansing thing right?". I think the though that the most beautiful mericle is the one that is simplicity. Like the birth of a child. You may understand how it happens and dismiss it by science or because it is common but by becoming less conscience, by putting it into its box you lose the mericel. When the point comes when a woman talks about becoming pregnant and becomes pregnanat. The precise unfolding of understanding it lies at the moment when that same woman goes from a concept in minds eye to the happening in reality. When she is 'being' pregnant...it hits her. Suddenly her eyes open and she becomes different forever. In this doing, this action, this practice of being and living the change, things you can't explain happen. My the merical did happen for me. I now at the very end. I realized because i can anylize the pattern of these happenings to myself. Once i stopped drinking I first acted as if I was being the same, drinking water, acting as if nothing were different. But then you start to look at the box that you have just stepped outside of and see what is the box? what does it look like? what is its color? shape? emotions? does it have purpose or is there more then one? But you don't ask these. Not at first. You are first doing the action then you are pregnant with the idea, then you are pregnanat, and now i am unfolding what it means. what clearity i have now to catch this merical. So because i was outside the box and left its side. It was unlinked from me. As i was being in this state it floated away from me like small boat unlatched from my dock. It had no control over me and I cared about it less and less. I started to engaged in activities that invovled...me. I went home almost any weeked. I focused more on yoga and my schooling. I felt less tired and more usful. I felt light and simple. But the mircle was the illusion of the lifestyle i had been leading was thinning out an starting to crack. i could see under the paint chips and could see the shallow primitive gratification. Drinking beer like antellope at a watering whole. It's not about the beer. It's not even about the people. Its about something much more selfish and subconscioius. A grotesque physical public appearance of unproductive procrastination distraction and vegitation. A meditation of sipping and looking at others and the grass is greener..whos that and what are they doing? Social improvement and self decline. False accomplishment of doing something. A thing that is done but not talked about. What are we doing here? why are we here? seeking strangers or showing our faces. Having fun or defining fun. A natrual frontier that is no longer non discovered but i habitual and acutely developed even to the T of different fluids for different goals. And as i look but really see i find that I began to enter activites that were more like the ones i did when i was small and more absorbed into James and what i wanted. Less about who i was seen to be but who i saw myself as. Last night was the first night going out and drinking. I learned that i am the same drinking water and beer and was being noticed more when i was drinking water. A calm sobrarity. like a green apple amongst the red ones. you can tell when someone is drunk but it turns out the lessdrunk they are they more active and powerful they become. And being different is beautiful. Not paying to dull my senses was nice also. But what have we all bought into? does anyone care or realize this? bother to ponder the mundane and once meaning lost to routine becomes white light hidding all the colors of the rainbow. A genicide of mass ignorance and dumbing down of culture and skill. Dancing does not even exist anymore in America as it once did. The jitterbug become the electric slide only reserved for weddings and childrens parties. The skill in celebration lost and the death of the dj. Can we ever allow ourselves to have fun with just plan coolaid and a group activites that involves more then the repeaticious actions that we do. Seeking the random now makes more sense. The yoga keeps me busy but the water is clear. Seeing the flower that is possibilities which we can all obtain if we just think about the present. Its not so much what we are doing but why we are doing it. living in the moment although clechea makes more sense to me now then ever. And making change in your life is not just in the physical alterations of a routine but what type of lens that your gaze looks at the world.